Indio Wilde Gard

Born February 8, 2014. 6 lbs 8 oz and 19 1/2 inches long. Purely perfect from head to toe.

Reality

1.14

Oh baby boy. It's all getting so real now.
It's almost go time.
Finn kept jumping around yesterday "10 days! 10 days!"
I asked him if he was scared and he said "no mama. He's just a baby."
He has such a way of putting everything into prospective.
You are just a tiny little baby. My sweet boy we've waited and prayed for for so long.
There's nothing to be scared of.
And yet, there is so much to be terrified of.
We had a dance party when we found out what day would be your birthday, your brothers and I.
We danced around like fools shouting "10 days!" and "Indie's coming!" and then we collapsed in the sun on the kitchen floor and cuddled the day away.
It was so much sooner then we'd planned, that birthday of yours. I thought we had a good two or three weeks. A month even. I was halfway packed. Halfway had looked at details. And now, now all the planning is swallowing me whole.
I'm consumed with figuring out how we're getting to you.
What airlines, what bags we'll take.
I spend hours wondering about the first second I hold you. When your eyes meet mine. Will you cry like Finn did? When you hear my voice, will you know? Will you know in that instant how love you are? How wanted? How utterly adored?
I find myself making todo lists in the night, and packing teeny tiny clothes.
Thinking of what you will look like in them. Will you be long Stone? Will you be round like Finn was?
I'm getting excited. I'm letting myself get excited about you finally.
But still there's a part of me that is so scared.
Do we introduce your brothers to you before that 72 hours is up?
What if?
If.
It's such a strong word.
My heart is breaking into a million pieces.
All the emotions surrounding your adoption, all that it means.
To you, to your birth mom.
All that is lost.
All that never will be.
All that is gained for us, for our family.
It's selfish and I know that.
But I want you to be ours.
I love you already so much my heart feels like it might explode from my chest sometimes.
Our family wasn't whole before you.
Something felt missing.
And I'm quite certain it was you, all along.
I love you Indio Wilde Gard
and I can't wait to hold you.
Always and forever.
Mama

12.17.13

Dear baby boy,

Today was another round of blood work and doctors to see and tests to be ran. All our paperwork has expired again and Mama drove from here to there dotting i's and crossing t's and worrying. Worrying things wouldn't be done fast enough. Worrying about it all. Your brothers were grumpy and I was so tired. I'm tired of the waiting. I'm tired of the unknowns. I'm tired of not speaking your name out loud.

But this I know.

You, my son, are worth it. All of it. All the forms and phone calls. All the days wondering. The tears, the worrying.
You're worth it all.

And even though you may not believe me, or may think it's impossible, all of me loves all of you. Every breath, every giggle with your brothers I'm missing you and waiting to hold you. I can't wait to meet you my sweet little man.

Love and hugs and cuddles.
Mama

February 12

Dear baby boy,

We're so excited to meet you.

I love you and can't wait to hold you.

Hugs and love.

Mama

You

Dear You,

I got a missed call today from our lawyers office and it was her, letting us know we'd been matched again.
Daddy and I haven't been submitting like crazy.
We've applied for a few stork drops, but nothing hurried, nothing rushed.
We've been taking a little break, letting our hearts heal.
We've been waiting, knowing that the right baby, sweet little you, was out there too we just had to be patient and wait for you.
That you would find us.
And today, I got the call we've been waiting for .
9:04 am.
By 9:05 I was a mom of three again, three little boys all in a row.
You're due in February, and we got ultrasound photos of you already.
The tech had wrote "hello mommy and daddy" on the photo, which is only to appropriate.
I imagine your big brown eyes.
I'd been asking Finley latley, what if his brother was a sister? And he told me no. "No mama. He's a brother. And he's going to match me." he would say confidently.
How smart he is that big brother of yours.
You are a brother, and you have two older ones who already love you so.
We can't wait to meet you little man.
Finley keeps telling me he thinks you got lost. He wonders when you're going to hurry up and get here. Don't hurry too fast. Stay nice and cozy and grow big and healthy. But little man of mine, as you grow and stretch and develop eyelashes, know that you're being thought about and loved from afar.

Hugs and Kisses.

Mama

June 15

In two days was his due date. 

June 15th. 

I was supposed to be holding him and snuggling him sometime in the near future.

He was going to grow big and strong alongside Stone.

They would be raised as twins and get into all kinds of trouble together.

I couldn't wait for it. 

I was prepared for the crazy.

The pillow fights. 

The screaming matches.

I was prepared. Our suitcase were bought, the car seat was ready. 

I'd gotten used to saying my three boys, and delighting in the sound of it. 

 

I might not of ever held him in my arms, but I held him in my heart, every second of each new day. 

He was with me as I did the errands and answered emails. 

He was missing from our family pictures. 

I kept June and July open, waiting for the call to come in. 

I spent hours thinking. Hoping. Praying. 

Ever present, talked about daily. 

Imagining his dark brown eyes like Finley's. 

Folding Stone's outgrown newborn clothes and setting aside for use in a few more weeks. 

We were ready. 

He had a name. He had brothers. He had a crib his very own.

 The day before we got the call I bought him his very own pair of moccasins. As brothers they would share everything, I knew that. But sometimes each needs their own special thing that is just theirs. The moccasins I bought were for him and only him. I couldn't wait to put them on his little feet. I couldn't wait to speak his name out loud. 

And then one Tuesday last month I woke up to a missed call on my phone and Ryan coming home from work early. And just like that I went back to being a mama of two boys. 

We weren't a family of five anymore and Stone no longer has a twin. 

It's been over two weeks now and I still can't bare to tell Finley. 

He still asks me every day when we get to go get two babies. 

I don't tell him that two babies has already been born but for some reason he is not ours. 

He had a name. He had brothers. He had a crib his very own, and he will forever be missed. 

 

You

Dear Baby,

We got an email about you on February 21 and the second I opened the email I bust into tears.

We were sitting at the kitchen table, Finn and I, eating lunch, the porch door opened, the breeze and almost-feels-like summer sun blowing in.  

And just like that my morning stopped and my heart was captivated by the words.

I know, I know,  I'm pregnant and hormonal, but considering it was a beautiful day and Finley and me had been adventuring all morning it was a bit out of the ordinary and unexpected for me to just start crying like that. I wondered if it was a sign that this email was more important then all the other emails I'd been sent.

Finn asked me what was wrong and I told him it was about two babies, and he told me "it's okay mama" He was worried and concerned and not quite sure why I was upset about two babies when that's what we'd been planning on all along.

Your dad was at work, so I  sent him the email and waited for what he thought.

When he'd read it he told me it made him want to cry too. And mama was pretty certain that was a sign that this baby was the baby for us. But of course I asked your dad what he thought and if we should asked to be presented to your birth mom, and he said yes. 

  

So Mama emailed our consultant and told her to present us.
I told a few people
... and we waited for the next few days.
But in the in between I wasn't anxious or nervous. I kinda knew in my heart that you were ours.

Today at 11:56am my phone registered a number I hadn't had saved and the second I saw it I knew it was our consultant.
When I heard her voice my heart dropped. She was calling to tell us we were matched I was positive of it.
I tried to memorize how I was feeling so I could write it down but I was too anxious for her words.
 "I was just calling to tell you your about to be matched" she confirmed, and of course, I burst into tears.

We are getting paperwork tomorrow to fill out, but for now, finally, you are no longer a complete mystery to me my son. There is a bit of you I know and that makes me over the moon.

You are a baby boy, and your birthday will be sometime in June. 

My heart can hardly take it. 

I will have three boys by July.

We will be a family of boys, a family of five, and mama wouldn't have it any other way.

I love you to the moon and back and can't wait to hold you tight and give you so many snuggles.

Hugs and love. 

Mama

Completed

Dear wee one,
Yesterday we finally got our 100% completed and updated home study.
January 31, 2013.
Mama couldn't of been more excited, and even though I was almost positive it was our update,
I still had to open it up before we ran our errands to make sure.
We're ready for you!
After over a year of planning for you and thinking of you and wishing for you,
our paperwork finally matches our hearts.
When you're ready to make you appearance,
we'll be waiting, arms wide open.
I love you to the moon and back little one.
Always and forever.

Mama

Shopping may not cure the missing, but it helps.

Dear Sweet little,

Mama's been keeping herself busy searching for clothes for you and your brother.
Shopping may not be the cure, but it is a good remedy for all the missing we're doing over here.
Waiting has never been my strong point,
and waiting for two of my babies to get here is making me lonesome and anxious.
My arms ache and I wonder if you're being held, rocked, kissed.
Finley laughs and I wonder if you've smiled yet, and if that smile has dimples like his.
I wonder if you've seen the sun , or if you're still growing in your birth mama's womb like your brother is in mine.
We miss you lots and love you just as much.
I can't wait to cuddle you in my arms and whisper in your ears that you are where you belong.
All my love.
Mama

Today...

...I'm thinking of you my sweet little one.

I bought you and your brother the coolest pair of kicks yesterday. 

They were totally unnecessary, but more then ever worth it. 

Still no word from our social worker. 

I'm starting to think that you might not get here before your brother after all, 

and that makes me sad. 

I had pictured you to be a winter baby. 

I had pictured you asleep on my tummy.

A few months of bonding with your Papa and Finley and I before baby brother makes his appearance. 

I miss you so. 

Hugs and love where ever you are today. 

Know that you are loved more then you can even imagine, 

and hoped for with ever fiber of my being. 

I can't wait to snuggle you.

xxoo  

You

Dear Baby,

Tonight I am up thinking about you. Wondering where you are and when I will get to meet you.
Is it tomorrow? Is it this summer? Is it next week?
Will you have dimples like your brother?
Will you be itty bitty and oh so breakable or will you be chubby and sturdy and giggly and strong?

I wonder if you will know I am your mama the first day I hold you like your brother Finley did, or will you take some time to get used to me and know my voice?

I wanted you so desperately home for Christmas this year. I wanted to bundle you up beside your brother and take you home to meet your Aunts and Uncles and Grandparents.
I wanted to be up giving you kisses tonight and whispering against your forehead how much you are loved and adored.
Rocking you back and forth.
I wonder if you have been born yet? Have you had your first birthday?

So many unanswered questions keeping me up tonight.

I don't know much. But I do know, where ever you are my sweet one, you are loved and so desperately wanted and longed for.  

All my love.
Mama

Blood for a brother

Dear sweet baby,

I realized over last week that we still had to take your brother Finley to get a blood test done for your home study to be finished.

So yesterday, as soon as we could get an appointment, we bundled up and drove to Walnut creek.

We had went to the doctors right beforehand where he's got three shots, so when we got to Quest Finn was a little more then nervous. I told him it wasn't going to hurt like the shots had, it would just be a little pinch. But once we were sitting in the chair and I was holding him he started to turn away and fight and whimper. "Finley" I said "we have to do this, so you can get a brother." And just like that he stopped moving and let them draw his blood.
"I was brave" he said after.
And he was, all for you.

We miss you over here.

Hugs and Kisses.

Dad, Mama and your brave big brother Finley

Stylish baby

Dear Baby,

Mama bought you some cool new pants a few weeks ago. I can't wait to see you in them. If you're anything like your brother, you'll be able to rock them like they were made for you, which, in theory, I guess they were. I got pants for baby you, pants for toddling you, and pants for Finn to wear now and you to grow into. I also scored a darling little hat yesterday that will keep your little head nice and toasty this spring.

I'm missing you everyday and can't wait to kiss your little toes.

Hugs and Kisses.

Mama

Missing you

Dear Baby,
No new news, but I'm thinking of you today as I always seem to find myself doing these days.
As I do dishes I'm wondering where you are.
If you've been born yet.
If your first mama pats her belly and sings lullabies to you, or if you're breathing air, seeing light and bundled in blankets today.
Are you getting rocked to sleep at bedtime?
We talk of you daily, Finley, Daddy and I, and not a day goes by that we don't miss you.
I know it's hard to imagine missing someone you haven't met yet, but I do miss you. 
Terribly.
There's an empty spot in my arms, close to my heart, where you should be. 
There's this feeling that the three of us are no longer complete like we used to be.
That something is missing.
And sometimes my heart aches so bad I don't know if I'll be able to stand the hours and days until I get to see your face, hold you in my arms and know your name.
I love you my sweet little and I can't wait to kiss your cheeks and snuggle you close to me.
Lots of love today and always and forever.
Mama

Dear Readers {& baby too} 
For a few months now I have been working on a collection of photographs worthy of selling. All profit from the photographs will be going directly to our adoption fund to bring Finley's brother or sister home. We are adopting domestically this time, but the cost are still high, and every penny counts as Finley can tell you. ;)

Feel free to pass this link on and share it with anyone you think might want a few pretty pictures for their home~!
I hope you enjoy!

http://abiqphotography.zenfolio.com/p139490929

xo

Final visit

Dear Baby,

Today we had our social worker visit, and we took a photo to remember it by. See all that room on the couch beside us? It's just waiting on you to fill it. Every time we take a photo of our little family of three lately it feels like something is missing. I'm more then certain that missing piece is you.

We love you bunches.

Hugs and kisses where ever you are.

Love, Dad, Mama and Finn

Table for four please

Dear Baby, 

Today we are announcing to the world that you are going to be ours. Not that we know anything about you, but just the fact that there is going to be a you. And hopefully, sooner then later. 

We've been organizing Finley's closet to make room for your little clothes and mama has been buying little vintage outfits to dress you in. This one is one of my favorites. I can't wait to see you in it.  

I love you to the moon and back. 

Mama

The brother jar

Dear Baby,

Every day, all day long, when Finn spots a coin on the ground he picks it up and comes running to me. "For my brudder" he says, holding the coin up for me to see. He's always so proud of himself and so excited to show me.

If we're home we run to the office and pull down the jar on the bookshelf. We make a grand affair out of saving our pennies for you. If we're out he puts the coin in his pocket for safe keeping.

We've been doing this every day for almost a year now.

Aunt Lyndsie and Bentlee had a jar too, so now we have two almost full baby brother jars on our little bookshelf in the office. Waiting to be cashed in.

Of course, if you're a sister we'll have a little crossing out to do, but really, we don't care if you're a brother or a sister, son or daughter. All that matters is that you're you. We'll love you all the same.

Counting pennies and dreaming of you.

Hugs and love.

Mama

Today

Dear baby,
We have been thinking about you a lot this summer, filling out home study paperwork and talking to Finn about you every day.

We ask him all the time if he wants a brother or a sister and everyday he changes his mind.
Sometimes he wants a sister so he can be Charlie and she can be Lola, but when he's playing with his guns or cars he'll say he wants a "brudder". I don't think he understands quite yet that a sister can rough and tumble as much as any boy and a brother could be Charlie and Finley. I told him that the other day and he beamed. Really, I know he will love you no matter what you are. He's just ready to be a big brother.

And you little one, are you ready to have a big brother? Are you ready to be cuddled and kissed and loved so much you just might explode? Because I'm pretty sure that's what all three of us here at home have planned for you. There's not going to be much tummy time for you with all the snuggles we have stored up.

Today we filled out our application with CAC, our consultant group and we left it open. Boy or girl, 0-1. We decided long ago we don't want to try and play God. We know the perfect baby for our family, sweet little you, is already out there waiting for us too. And we can't wait to meet you. 

I must admit, I do wonder almost daily if you are born yet or in your birth mama's belly still. I wonder how your feet will look. Will they be fat and round or long and skinny? Will you be tall like your brother? Will you have dimples and big squishy cheeks? Will you be tiny and newborn when we get you or will you be a tiny little teether with a row of bottom teeth?

I dream of you now, just like I did your brother Finley and I hope you know you are loved without a shadow of a doubt. Because you are.

I love you to the moon and back little bunny.

Hugs and kisses.

Your mama

Hello sweet baby

Dear Baby,

It started a few months ago, me thinking about you.  I've started looking at adoption blogs again, cutting back on buying things we don't need and putting pennies into a jar.

Waiting.
Wishing.
Dreaming.
Longing.

While Finn plays I keep thinking something feels like it's missing. 

& I'm pretty sure that thing missing is you.  

....for a while now I have been wondering about you my little one. I wondered yesterday what you were doing that very moment.... and today I look up at the sky with Finn, eyes to the blue blue sky above us.  He yells about the birds and as we laugh together I find myself wondering if you've seen sunlight yet and if you'll like to feed the ducks at the park too.

Where are you little one? Do you know your loved?

I wonder what kind of feet you'll have, if you'll have dimples like your brother.
I dream of you at night and hold you close to my heart.
I love you even though I haven't met you yet.
...&  I can't wait to hold you in my arms.

Hugs and kisses.

Your mommy