Reality

1.14

Oh baby boy. It's all getting so real now.
It's almost go time.
Finn kept jumping around yesterday "10 days! 10 days!"
I asked him if he was scared and he said "no mama. He's just a baby."
He has such a way of putting everything into prospective.
You are just a tiny little baby. My sweet boy we've waited and prayed for for so long.
There's nothing to be scared of.
And yet, there is so much to be terrified of.
We had a dance party when we found out what day would be your birthday, your brothers and I.
We danced around like fools shouting "10 days!" and "Indie's coming!" and then we collapsed in the sun on the kitchen floor and cuddled the day away.
It was so much sooner then we'd planned, that birthday of yours. I thought we had a good two or three weeks. A month even. I was halfway packed. Halfway had looked at details. And now, now all the planning is swallowing me whole.
I'm consumed with figuring out how we're getting to you.
What airlines, what bags we'll take.
I spend hours wondering about the first second I hold you. When your eyes meet mine. Will you cry like Finn did? When you hear my voice, will you know? Will you know in that instant how love you are? How wanted? How utterly adored?
I find myself making todo lists in the night, and packing teeny tiny clothes.
Thinking of what you will look like in them. Will you be long Stone? Will you be round like Finn was?
I'm getting excited. I'm letting myself get excited about you finally.
But still there's a part of me that is so scared.
Do we introduce your brothers to you before that 72 hours is up?
What if?
If.
It's such a strong word.
My heart is breaking into a million pieces.
All the emotions surrounding your adoption, all that it means.
To you, to your birth mom.
All that is lost.
All that never will be.
All that is gained for us, for our family.
It's selfish and I know that.
But I want you to be ours.
I love you already so much my heart feels like it might explode from my chest sometimes.
Our family wasn't whole before you.
Something felt missing.
And I'm quite certain it was you, all along.
I love you Indio Wilde Gard
and I can't wait to hold you.
Always and forever.
Mama