Indio Wilde Gard

Born February 8, 2014. 6 lbs 8 oz and 19 1/2 inches long. Purely perfect from head to toe.

Reality

1.14

Oh baby boy. It's all getting so real now.
It's almost go time.
Finn kept jumping around yesterday "10 days! 10 days!"
I asked him if he was scared and he said "no mama. He's just a baby."
He has such a way of putting everything into prospective.
You are just a tiny little baby. My sweet boy we've waited and prayed for for so long.
There's nothing to be scared of.
And yet, there is so much to be terrified of.
We had a dance party when we found out what day would be your birthday, your brothers and I.
We danced around like fools shouting "10 days!" and "Indie's coming!" and then we collapsed in the sun on the kitchen floor and cuddled the day away.
It was so much sooner then we'd planned, that birthday of yours. I thought we had a good two or three weeks. A month even. I was halfway packed. Halfway had looked at details. And now, now all the planning is swallowing me whole.
I'm consumed with figuring out how we're getting to you.
What airlines, what bags we'll take.
I spend hours wondering about the first second I hold you. When your eyes meet mine. Will you cry like Finn did? When you hear my voice, will you know? Will you know in that instant how love you are? How wanted? How utterly adored?
I find myself making todo lists in the night, and packing teeny tiny clothes.
Thinking of what you will look like in them. Will you be long Stone? Will you be round like Finn was?
I'm getting excited. I'm letting myself get excited about you finally.
But still there's a part of me that is so scared.
Do we introduce your brothers to you before that 72 hours is up?
What if?
If.
It's such a strong word.
My heart is breaking into a million pieces.
All the emotions surrounding your adoption, all that it means.
To you, to your birth mom.
All that is lost.
All that never will be.
All that is gained for us, for our family.
It's selfish and I know that.
But I want you to be ours.
I love you already so much my heart feels like it might explode from my chest sometimes.
Our family wasn't whole before you.
Something felt missing.
And I'm quite certain it was you, all along.
I love you Indio Wilde Gard
and I can't wait to hold you.
Always and forever.
Mama

12.17.13

Dear baby boy,

Today was another round of blood work and doctors to see and tests to be ran. All our paperwork has expired again and Mama drove from here to there dotting i's and crossing t's and worrying. Worrying things wouldn't be done fast enough. Worrying about it all. Your brothers were grumpy and I was so tired. I'm tired of the waiting. I'm tired of the unknowns. I'm tired of not speaking your name out loud.

But this I know.

You, my son, are worth it. All of it. All the forms and phone calls. All the days wondering. The tears, the worrying.
You're worth it all.

And even though you may not believe me, or may think it's impossible, all of me loves all of you. Every breath, every giggle with your brothers I'm missing you and waiting to hold you. I can't wait to meet you my sweet little man.

Love and hugs and cuddles.
Mama

February 12

Dear baby boy,

We're so excited to meet you.

I love you and can't wait to hold you.

Hugs and love.

Mama

You

Dear You,

I got a missed call today from our lawyers office and it was her, letting us know we'd been matched again.
Daddy and I haven't been submitting like crazy.
We've applied for a few stork drops, but nothing hurried, nothing rushed.
We've been taking a little break, letting our hearts heal.
We've been waiting, knowing that the right baby, sweet little you, was out there too we just had to be patient and wait for you.
That you would find us.
And today, I got the call we've been waiting for .
9:04 am.
By 9:05 I was a mom of three again, three little boys all in a row.
You're due in February, and we got ultrasound photos of you already.
The tech had wrote "hello mommy and daddy" on the photo, which is only to appropriate.
I imagine your big brown eyes.
I'd been asking Finley latley, what if his brother was a sister? And he told me no. "No mama. He's a brother. And he's going to match me." he would say confidently.
How smart he is that big brother of yours.
You are a brother, and you have two older ones who already love you so.
We can't wait to meet you little man.
Finley keeps telling me he thinks you got lost. He wonders when you're going to hurry up and get here. Don't hurry too fast. Stay nice and cozy and grow big and healthy. But little man of mine, as you grow and stretch and develop eyelashes, know that you're being thought about and loved from afar.

Hugs and Kisses.

Mama

June 15

In two days was his due date. 

June 15th. 

I was supposed to be holding him and snuggling him sometime in the near future.

He was going to grow big and strong alongside Stone.

They would be raised as twins and get into all kinds of trouble together.

I couldn't wait for it. 

I was prepared for the crazy.

The pillow fights. 

The screaming matches.

I was prepared. Our suitcase were bought, the car seat was ready. 

I'd gotten used to saying my three boys, and delighting in the sound of it. 

 

I might not of ever held him in my arms, but I held him in my heart, every second of each new day. 

He was with me as I did the errands and answered emails. 

He was missing from our family pictures. 

I kept June and July open, waiting for the call to come in. 

I spent hours thinking. Hoping. Praying. 

Ever present, talked about daily. 

Imagining his dark brown eyes like Finley's. 

Folding Stone's outgrown newborn clothes and setting aside for use in a few more weeks. 

We were ready. 

He had a name. He had brothers. He had a crib his very own.

 The day before we got the call I bought him his very own pair of moccasins. As brothers they would share everything, I knew that. But sometimes each needs their own special thing that is just theirs. The moccasins I bought were for him and only him. I couldn't wait to put them on his little feet. I couldn't wait to speak his name out loud. 

And then one Tuesday last month I woke up to a missed call on my phone and Ryan coming home from work early. And just like that I went back to being a mama of two boys. 

We weren't a family of five anymore and Stone no longer has a twin. 

It's been over two weeks now and I still can't bare to tell Finley. 

He still asks me every day when we get to go get two babies. 

I don't tell him that two babies has already been born but for some reason he is not ours. 

He had a name. He had brothers. He had a crib his very own, and he will forever be missed. 

 

You

Dear Baby,

We got an email about you on February 21 and the second I opened the email I bust into tears.

We were sitting at the kitchen table, Finn and I, eating lunch, the porch door opened, the breeze and almost-feels-like summer sun blowing in.  

And just like that my morning stopped and my heart was captivated by the words.

I know, I know,  I'm pregnant and hormonal, but considering it was a beautiful day and Finley and me had been adventuring all morning it was a bit out of the ordinary and unexpected for me to just start crying like that. I wondered if it was a sign that this email was more important then all the other emails I'd been sent.

Finn asked me what was wrong and I told him it was about two babies, and he told me "it's okay mama" He was worried and concerned and not quite sure why I was upset about two babies when that's what we'd been planning on all along.

Your dad was at work, so I  sent him the email and waited for what he thought.

When he'd read it he told me it made him want to cry too. And mama was pretty certain that was a sign that this baby was the baby for us. But of course I asked your dad what he thought and if we should asked to be presented to your birth mom, and he said yes. 

  

So Mama emailed our consultant and told her to present us.
I told a few people
... and we waited for the next few days.
But in the in between I wasn't anxious or nervous. I kinda knew in my heart that you were ours.

Today at 11:56am my phone registered a number I hadn't had saved and the second I saw it I knew it was our consultant.
When I heard her voice my heart dropped. She was calling to tell us we were matched I was positive of it.
I tried to memorize how I was feeling so I could write it down but I was too anxious for her words.
 "I was just calling to tell you your about to be matched" she confirmed, and of course, I burst into tears.

We are getting paperwork tomorrow to fill out, but for now, finally, you are no longer a complete mystery to me my son. There is a bit of you I know and that makes me over the moon.

You are a baby boy, and your birthday will be sometime in June. 

My heart can hardly take it. 

I will have three boys by July.

We will be a family of boys, a family of five, and mama wouldn't have it any other way.

I love you to the moon and back and can't wait to hold you tight and give you so many snuggles.

Hugs and love. 

Mama